Thank you, K.

When I say that it is fortunate that I am writing this; I do not say it lightly. 

The fact that I have been able to wake up, get out of bed, get dressed, make breakfast, and other mundane tasks for over two weeks now (without crippling anxiety or depression) is magical.

To feel so free. So untethered. Clear. 

I could cry. I do.

I will never be able to adequately describe to anyone how it feels to be afraid of everything. To be trapped in your own mind. 

To have the dark veil I've been trying so desperately to peer through finally lifted is the most amazing feeling that I could have never imagined. 

I knew I was somewhere inside myself. 

Everything is quiet. Everything is beautiful. Everything is simple.

For so long:

My mind is strong...

Breathe in

My mind is strong...

Breathe in

My mind is strong...

And I finally believe it.

A conversation

Kind of one sided.

Leo (to a dog):

"Hewwo, cutie. Name Weo. Bye puppy. Wuv you." 

*kiss*

*wave*

*melt Mom's heart*

Acceptance

Most of the time I hate my body.

I get angry because the clothes I want to wear don't always fit. I feel guilty for eating sweets. I scowl at myself in dressing room mirrors. 

But...

In moments like this I remember to cut myself some slack. I may not always love my body, but it looks this way for a reason.

Because the little boy who "woves mommy tummy" lived inside that tummy once.

I have never cared for bikinis and I'm too short for crop tops anyhow.

Bubble Pop

Maybe it's my anxious (sometimes obsessive) behavior or maybe I'm sort of kind of possibly a little teeny tiny bit of a diva; I usually get very upset when things don't go my way. Even when the thing that didn't go how I had planned is very trivial. I plan right down to the second: when I will shower, brush my teeth, put on a bra, start my car, how many calories in my meals, what toy goes where, oh? I'm five minutes late? I just won't go at all... 

I forget to breathe. I forget to slow down. 

I strive for consistency (and dare I say perfection) and almost always miss my mark.

I wanted to go to Starbucks. Leo wanted to play "bubble pop" instead of getting dressed. The ducky bubbles were "bwoken", but he found some more in a box.  

He didn't mind that his original plan had gone awry.

I don't really care much about Starbucks anyway.

I'm wrong--I hit the perfection nail on the head so many times each day. 

I would blow bubbles in this hallway forever.

Today I am 24

I had a delicious French toast breakfast. Marcus and Leo surprised me with new art supplies.

We braved the rain to go on a hike and the sky ended up clearing and the sun shined down.

We didn't reach our destination, but we did meet snails, butterflies, and a scary caterpillar. 

We collected acorns, climbed "widdle mountains and "biiiiig rocks". 

Leo told me he loved me (and I didn't even say it first).

I had the best grilled food followed by cake (with a brownie center!) and spent time with my family. 

My mantle now has ivy.

It was a good day.

What I Loved This Week

Being lucky enough to watch these two share moments like this.

Leo's love for even the simplest of things.

Mint chocolate chip cones with my sister.

That these are the only family portraits we ever take.

The most adorable smile I've ever seen.

Breakfast Hand Holding

This will easily be the best part of my day.

He asked to hold my hand while he ate a mountain of fruit.

He held it softly; simply laying his little palm on top of mine so gently. 

But the grip this boy has on my heart is the tightest I have ever felt.